Armond vs. Toys

On Thursday, we looked at Armond White's pan of Inception. I have now seen Inception. More on that later.

Today, let's take a look at Armond's other critical sucker-punch (or more like an arm flail that resembles a punch), his review of Toy Story 3.

Now, if you're like me, and have fond childhood memories of seeing the original 'Toy Story's (sp?) in the theatre, having Toy Story 3 come out was a bit like revisting old memories. Not for Armond White. For him, it was like revisiting old bowel movements.

Let's jump in!

Pixar has now made three movies explicitly about toys, yet the best movie depiction of how toys express human experience remains Whit Stillman’s 1990 Metropolitan.

Armond jumps right in by saying Toy Story 3 doesn't match his own Indie adult drama. I'm not going to go for the easy joke that this line is pretentious as hell. But I won't.

But you admit this line doesn't match the human pretentious experience as much as David Edelstein's review of Maria Full of Grace. Right?

But Toy Story 3 is so besotted with brand names and product-placement that it stops being about the innocent pleasures of imagination—the usefulness of toys—and strictly celebrates consumerism.

The lesson, ladies and gentlemen, is that Armond White enjoys seeing characters in movies drinking "KING COLA" and getting their e-mail through "UMAIL.COM".

I feel like a 6-year-old

That explains a lot.

having to report how in Toy Story 3 two dolls—Sheriff Woody (Tom Hanks) and Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen)—try to save a toy box of childhood playthings from either disuse or imprisonment as donations to a daycare center because their human owner, 17-year-old Andy, packs them up as he heads off to college.

You're watching a G rated CGI family film - did you expect adult-sounding plot points?

Like Woody must deal with the kidnapping of his adopted step-son after the death of his wife in Iraq after a drug deal gone wrong.

But none of these digital-cartoon characters reflect human experience; it’s essentially a bored game that only the brainwashed will buy into. Besides, Transformers 2 already explored the same plot to greater thrill and opulence.

BWAHAHAH!!! HAHA!!! Uhaha - uh... He was joking, right?

I must be brainwashed!

I admit to simply not digging the toys-come-to-life fantasy (I don’t babysit children, so I don’t have to)

Sorry to break it to you, Mr. White, but you babysit your own mind, so there -

Toy Story 3 suckers fans to think they can accept this drivel without paying for it politically, aesthetically or spiritually.

I always knew Toy Story 3 was a political allegory!

Look at the Barbie and Ken sequence where the sexually dubious male doll struts a chick-flick fashion show. Since it serves the same time-keeping purpose as a chick-flick digression, it’s not satirical. We’re meant to enjoy our susceptibility, not question it, as in Joe Dante’s more challenging Small Soldiers.

I was a huge fan of Small Soldiers once... When I was 9.

Have shill-critics forgotten that movie?

What's Small Soldiers again?

Do they mistake Toy Story 3’s day for 4th of July patriotism opening ?

Did you mistake Toy Story 3's opening for election day? Politics and Pixar mix like Shrek and torture porn.

Only Big Baby, with one Keane eye and one lazy eye, and Mr. Potato Head’s deconstruction into Dali’s slip-sliding “Persistence of Memory” are worthy of mature delectation

He sure likes the word "delectation", doesn't he?

The Toy Story franchise isn’t for children and adults, it’s for non-thinking children and adults. When a movie is this formulaic, it’s no longer a toy because it does all the work for you. It’s a sap’s story.

non-thinking children and adults? Then why didn't you like it, Armond?

BOOOM! SUCKER-PUNCHED!